New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
