WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
