What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize