it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
