She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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