my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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