I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
