I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
