Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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