Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
