The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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