i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
