Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
