My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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