Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
