Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
