I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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