I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
