I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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