i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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