i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
