My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
