when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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