I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
