She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
