either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize