May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
pray to the hookup gods
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
