dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
