Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
