Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
