Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
