Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
