The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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