so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
