So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
