I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize