so let's talk penis.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
