we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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