one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
