I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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