Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
