when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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