How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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