I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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