Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
just come out here and I will go home with you...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
