wrigley field is MILF paradise
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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