hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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