Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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