i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
