Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
