you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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