You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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