If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
