I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
