Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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