When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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