I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
