Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We named our party play list daddy issues
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
