I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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