I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I am spending my child support on dildos
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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