did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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