For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
