I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
