I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
